Worst Redneck Pickup Lines
by Kayce Lassiter
Hey all, how ya doing? Fine at this end. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Kayce Lassiter, and I write Chicklit in Cowgirl Boots. I’m country through and through, with a side of redneck thrown in, and I write what I know. So if you enjoy a good redneck or country tale, click on the link at the end of this post and check out my Delta Jane series.
So, I was doing research this week for a Blab I have coming up with The Butterscotch Martini Girls, and I ran across a bunch of Redneck Pickup Lines. Being half redneck myself, I had to gather these little gems and share them with you all. Now, remember … I didn’t write these. I’m just passing them on. So if you find something here that offends you, it didn’t come from me. Relax. Enjoy the ride. We’re just having fun here. LOL. And be sure you also look for the link at the end and watch The Butterscotch Martini Girls blabbing about Worst Pickup Lines.
All right, what would a redneck pickup line be without a mention of teeth? The focus on teeth might come from the fact that legend has it there is a shortage of them in the redneck community. Not judging … just sayin’. So here are a couple of toothy pickup lines.
You sure have white teeth. You mus’ brush ‘em!
Are both of those teeth real?
My other personality wants to take you home and count all your teeth.
Okay, I think you can see what I mean when I talk about a focus on teeth … or should I say “tooth”? And if the pickup line starts with “My other personality wants…” run like the wind. This line is bad enough when used alone, but used in conjunction with teeth and rednecks makes it creepy-scary.
The next theme I noticed was around bodily functions. Here’s what I mean…
Have I shown you my outhouse?
If you were a booger, I’d pick you first!
Okay, where do I start? The word booger has absolutely no place in a pickup line. EVER! And showing the outhouse? Is it part of the standard tour? Why?
All right, everyone knows that besides teeth and bodily functions, trucks, tractors and NASCAR are staples for any redneck American. So what would redneck pickup lines be without pickup trucks?
Country boys don’t need pickup lines, ‘cause they’ve got pickup trucks.
You got curves like a racetrack, and tonight, I’m gonna be your Ricky Bobby.
I can put my car on bricks now that I have found the woman of my dreams.
If I were a tractor and you were a plow, I would hook up with you…
Where do I even start? These are wrong on so many levels. I think probably the first one comes closest to being right: country boys don’t need pickup lines, and it has nothing to do with trucks. Just sayin’. I will also admit I didn’t know who Ricky Bobby was. Turns out, he’s the character Will Ferrell played in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Okay, my bad … please don’t make me turn in my redneck card.
Now, we all know rednecks love family. Literally.
God wants us to be together. That’s why he gave us the same parents!
Wanna go back to my place? Mamma said you had to be home by 10.
There were seriously a lot more of these, but you get it.
Apparently, rednecks can turn even hunting and fishing into pickup gimmicks.
Let’s go fishing. I’ll be the rod, you be the fish, and later on we’ll hook up!
Your hair’s purdy as that squirrel I skinned this morning.
I think the guy with the squirrel meant well, but we all know he got punched.
I know you’ll be shocked to hear this, but yes, there are even alcohol-related pickup lines.
Baby, you are prettier than a beer truck pulling into my driveway.
Would you like to smash a beer can on my head?
Really? Actually, now that I look these over a second time, I’m finding a little more merit. The guy with the beer truck in his driveway might actually be a real catch, and I think the answer to the second one is … YES!
Now, here’s the group that is going home with the “almost ran” award, which means trying is not succeeding.
Wow, I bet you were really hot when you were about my age!
Oh, you live in the country … I should prob’ly check you for ticks.
If you think this buckle is big, wait till you see what’s behind it.
Are you serious with that first one? And as for the guy with the buckle … I find I really don’t give a damn anymore what’s behind it.
This next group of pickup lines is actually my favorite, mostly because they are just so wrong.
You ain’t the best lookin’ girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
Tie me to a pig ‘n roll me in the mud! You’re mighty purdy for a heavy girl.
I’m thinking both these guys should be tied to a pig and wrapped in a rug … oh wait, that would be pigs in a blanket!
And now for the awwww award…
Can I get a picture with you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
Really, guys? There are 21 pickup lines here, and only one with a slim-to-nothing chance of working? Methinks someone needs to step up their game.
Okay, what’s your worst or best pickup line? We’d all love to hear it! And what we really want to know is … did it work?
Well, that’s my story, redneck and rowdy, and I’m stickin’ to it. Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!
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Kayce Lassiter is a second-generation Arizonan, born to deaf parents. She learned to dream, imagine, and pretend to dispel the loneliness of growing up on a farm – something she’s never outgrown. Kayce still lives in rural Arizona with horses, dogs, and a very confused rat-killing duck. Find Kayce at KayceLassiter.com.