by Beth Kozan
I’m writing this on Sunday evening, January 31. The previously silent house where I would write this blog piece is suddenly active. A rain storm blew in, and the windows howled in reaction to the direction and strength of the wind. Two cats and one sleeping partner woke and got noisy. Even my telephone asked me (as I fumbled to plug it in, in the semi-darkness): “What did you say? I didn’t understand you. Please repeat what you just said.” I didn’t even know my newish phone had the ability to talk to me!
The kitty who usually is outside at this time of night doesn’t understand why he can’t go out now. Yes, in the wind and rain! He doesn’t understand that he’s being held inside until he goes poop in the litter box – his private litter box – because the veterinarian, saw on x-ray perhaps bits of bone in his gut, and we have to get a stool sample to see what he’s eaten. He is not cooperating; he’s used to going in a certain part of the yard, which is no doubt very muddy now.
The little kitty is hungry because she has hyperthyroidism. She’s always hungry! And her litter box gets dirty so often it has to be cleaned twice daily. Speaking of which, I’d better clean it again…
My sleeping partner is awake due to the storm and HE is hungry. Time out for a pear with cottage cheese? No! He pouts and wants me to go out for ice cream. I prepare the pear for myself, and he eats it: “Those pears are really good; you can get more of them!”
Now, where was I? Blog piece! It was my intention to write about the training I attended yesterday called “Love is Not Enough,” a training for foster and adoptive families on adoption trauma. I was planning to write about how different it feels to attend a training when I’m no longer a licensed clinician and I don’t need training hours. Might I be there, then, to do research for another adoption book?
I was planning to write about how the training did not go as I had expected. How I anticipated enmity for my role as an “agency person” from those who – as I read on the Internet – blame social workers for their adoption unhappiness, their adoption trauma. How blogs on the Internet expose me to a world of hurt people who see “agency people” as standing in the way of their quest for information. Or who accuse “agency people” of being in it only for the money.
I’m not; I’m on their side. I hope every adoptee I worked with meets their birth parents and that their birth parents welcome them with open arms. I want the birth mothers I worked with who expected their child to search for them as soon as they turned 18 to stop waiting on the adoptee and begin the search for their own answers. This I believe: The knowing is better than the not-knowing.
Beth Kozan is the author of the book Adoption: More Than by Chance and the forthcoming Helping the Birth Mother You Know. Beth worked in adoption for 35 years and retired to write. She has many more books than these titles to write and will emphasize and explore the concept of community in her additional books. “Growing up in a close agriculture-based, rural community in Texas, I felt the comfort and bonds of caring for others which is often missing in our busy lives today. Exploring and building communities for today is my writer’s goal.” Follow Beth on Facebook or visit her website, where she reviews books and films featuring adoption.