Those Rare, Poopy but Somehow Wonderful Moments
by Eva Flowerday
Pause for just a moment, sit back, and give yourself a dose of the best medicine known to mankind: laughter.
I have quite the entertaining – yet completely true – story to share with you. Some crazy things go on in a cop’s workday. Let me elaborate. The events that happen when you are wearing a cop’s shoes can be sad, happy, exhilarating, or even terrible. The stories I like to hear the most are the hilarious ones. That’s what I am going to share with you.
My son, the cop in this story, comes home from work in the wee hours of the morning after a long shift. I see his boots dragging on the kitchen tile as he walks over and sits down at the table beside me. His eyes have bags, and he looks like he’s truly beat. My heart aches for him, until I see the giant smile he is sporting.
He starts to laugh as he begins to tell me tonight’s story. Then, before I even know what it is about, I start laughing too. My insides turn all warm and happy, because I know this is going to be one of those unforgettable moments I love to share with him.
It was a regular night on the beat. All seemed as usual, until Officer Beck got “that” call. Over his shoulder he and his partner heard the news no cop in the valley wants to receive. The moment they got the call, it became obvious who they would soon be facing.
It was a summoning to go and face Chief Poopy Pants, as he was nicknamed by the entire squad. Many others had already experienced the undesirable but unavoidable moment. Chief Poopy Pants earned his nickname because he was a local Native American who also happened to be the local drunk. Another personality trait of his was the fact that he could not control his bowels when he indulged in alcohol. And let me tell you, he loved his alcohol!
Officer Beck and his partner shuddered as they headed out to answer the call. They arrived to find Chief Poopy Pants in his regular position, sitting in his wheelchair. What you need to know to fully understand the situation is that Chief can walk perfectly. He does not need a wheelchair. You see, Chief plans ahead. He knows he is going to indulge in his favorite liquid libation so happily that soon he will not be able to walk reliably.
The two police officers fully know what they are about to discover next. As soon as they are roughly ten feet away, the unmistakable aroma hits their nostrils. It’s so pungent they can’t believe it isn’t visible! They miserably look down to the semi-liquid brown substance Chief Poopy Pants is sitting in.
The officers dutifully approach him with extreme caution as they don’t want to find themselves downwind or too close to him. Their eyes take in the scene. Chief has clearly been sitting in his wheelchair drinking for way too long. He can half-talk. The drool draining from his mouth is dry as it hits his shirt. The brown cow pie substance sticks to the bottom of the wheelchair as it slumps, drying as it hits the ground. There is a moment of sympathy that rips through both of the cops. Then, boom – it’s gone!
Chief opens his spit-stained mouth and out flow the hate-filled obscenities. At that same moment, the wind changes! Officer Beck’s partner, who is in her first trimester of pregnancy, accidentally breathes in the horrid aroma. She can’t control herself. Her heightened sense of smell causes her to double over and throw up.
Officer Beck tries to step in. He realizes he has to hold his composure and execute his job. Chief continues with the obscenities, “You @#&! white man!”
Officer Beck’s partner shouts, “I can’t take that putrid smell!”
Chief picks up his slumped head and smugly declares, “It’s your panties.”
Officer Beck does some good, quick thinking. He calls the fire department. He knows they have a very handy water hose, and not just any hose. Firefighters can actually arm those things not only with water, but they can add soap! The firefighters show up, and right there on the side of the road, they literally start hosing down Chief with their wonderful handy hose.
As my son finished the story, I was laughing hysterically. I asked, “Did you have to put him in the back of your car? Did you take him to jail?”
My son smiled even bigger as he told me he had given the firefighters a “thumbs up” as he thanked them for being his heroes. Before they realized just who was left to deal with Chief Poopy Pants, he quickly drove away.
Eva Flowerday recently published her memoir, Magic Headband. She delights in writing about nonfiction topics. Since her first book, she has been approached by others to tell their stories, which she is very excited to do. You can read about her unbelievable life story at MagicHeadbandOfficial.com.